Today is the Day

For a while now I’ve been thinking about starting a blog.  To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what has been stopping me.  When the idea of blogging first came to me, my inner voice shouted “But you aren’t the blogging type!”  The worst part about this is I actually believed the little voice echoing inside my head.  What does that mean, anyway?  Not the blogging type—who says?  Do I have to be a certain type of person or part of some elusive, secret club to be inducted into the vast world of bloggers?

Maybe some hidden irrational fear of sharing my thoughts with the world is lurking somewhere deep inside me.

I remember keeping a dairy when I was about nine years old.  I never had a fancy diary.  My friends at school proudly carried their sparkly, pink, dairies of awesomeness that came complete with a shiny brass lock and key with which to lock their secrets away securely.  Mine was really just a little book.

Then, it happened.

I went up to my room and the door was cracked.  I had specifically remembered closing it because I didn’t want my brothers and cousin (who was visiting) invading my room.  As I pushed the door open, I heard laughter.  Boy laughter.  There stood my brothers and cousin reading my dairy (apparently the hiding spot I thought adequate was not).  My biggest fear at the tender age of nine had been realized.  My thoughts—my private thoughts—were being mocked and ridiculed right in front of me. 

Behind closed doors, the laughter and ridicule turned to tears.  Why did I care what those mean boys thought?  Did it matter that they made fun of my deepest secrets—of me?  As a fragile nine year old girl, the answer could be none other than “yes.”  Distraught, I dealt with the matter in the only way I knew how; I ripped the pages out of my dairy and after tearing them up and disposing of them, vowed never to write in it again.

As I sit here today thinking about this experience thirteen years ago, I can’t help but wonder if I’m reliving it in some ways.  Have I procrastinated starting a blog because I’m actually stricken by a fear of what people will think about me—about my thoughts?  There is something slightly menacing about opening up to the world and embracing vulnerability.  Then again, does it really matter what people think?

My longing to start a blog has really been fueled by the thought that it is something I could do for myself, not for anyone else.  So, when my English professor suggested keeping a blog to fulfill my honors requirements, I secretly rejoiced.

Thanks, Dr. H., for giving me the push I needed to finally do this.

So, today is the day—and I’m thankful!